Jamie Stokes: The President's Honour
I preferred the previous president, the one with the moustache. I feel strongly that the president of Poland should have an unshaved upper lip. I missed the election somehow. Presumably it took place over the Christmas period when I was busy picking carp bones out of my throat.
I must say, I'm surprised Poles have elected a new president with the same name as the last one, almost as surprised at them choosing one with a bald lip. I'm assuming they are twins. Having a genetically identical sibling seems to be a long-established advantage in Polish politics.
If only my own twin brother, Carlos, hadn't disappeared on that expedition up the Amazon, my presidential ambitions might have had a chance. Regrettably, I can't imagine any scenario in which he might, unexpectedly, surface again, and turn out to be evil.
A friend of mine insisted that the current president is, in fact, the same president as before, but with his moustache shaved off. I had a good laugh at that one. "More likely," I jested, "he's been replaced by a Russian clone – only Russian cloning technology can't do moustaches." The room went very quiet.
You will notice that I am being extremely careful to refer to the current 'Komorowski' with the utmost respect. If the news this week has taught me anything, it's that being rude about the Polish president is a bad idea, even if he is a clone. I will not, for example, be using the phrase 'bald-face,' for fear of ending up prosecuted under Article 135 of the criminal code.
What I don't know is exactly how far the provisions of Article 135 extend. Can a Pole take a bus to Medyka, step across the Ukrainian border, then turn around and shout speculative comments about the president's sex life back towards his homeland? Presumably, nearby Polish border guards would simply have to cover their ears and shout "la, la, la, we can't hear you," until the traitor ran out of breath.
If, as a patriotic Pole, you were to hear another Pole rehearsing his presidential insults before he got on the bus, would you be required to report this fact to the authorities? Is failing to report a crime itself a crime. I'm not sure that I, as a non-Pole, would be subject to this requirement. This is doubly true since I probably wouldn't understand them.
It was speculation of this kind that gave me my latest money-making idea. If I am allowed to listen to or read insults aimed at the Polish president without being required to report them, it should be a simple matter to set up a phone number to which Poles could send their traitorous comments in the form of SMSs, for a small fee. I, in return, would promise to read these comments, pretend to understand them, and laugh convincingly.
Jamie Stokes