The Giant Boob of Krakow

Artists Maria Bitka and Ilona Ludwika Barszcz took one look at Ms Hawkins-Turner and decided they could do better. Noticing that their home city of Krakow already has several giant, rounded mounds is the form of kopiec, they were struck by an idea. "What this city needs," I imagine they said to each other, "is fewer breast-shaped monuments to national heroes on the horizon, and more actual giant breasts."

Ms. Bitka and Barszcz, collectively known as Ba-bi, made a few sketches and submitted their idea to the Grolsch ArtBoom Competition. The ArtBoom jurors, many of whom were not breastfed as children, decided this was just the kind of thing the city needed to raise its international profile as a centre of culture and sophistication rather than as the kind of place drunken English men go hoping to look at tits.

Ba-bi's project, called ‘Sen Krak - Fortress 33,’ will see the 1,000-year-old Kopiec Krakusa dyed pink and topped with a nipple sculpture made of “delicious breast foods.” The foot of the mound will be swathed in white cloth, so that it looks as if the giant boob is being revealed from an item of clothing. So, nothing like a strip show then.

If you look across Krakow from the top of Kopiec Krakusa, you can just see the luscious shape of Kopiec Kościuszki. In my experience, mammary glands come in pairs, and I see no reason to expect the giant variety to be any different. It just needs the vision to decorate the other great mound in a similar fashion and Krakow could start promoting itself as the City in the Cleavage. If that doesn't attract a more sophisticated class of tourist, I don't know what will.

There is another possibility. In a few weeks, Krakow will be crammed with thousands of football fans, adding to the city’s already considerable problems with drunk young males. Is it possible that Krakow’s mayor is deploying the Krakus Boob as a giant pacifier?. Noting that unleashed hooters can hypnotize males, might it have occurred to the authorities to draw troublesome young men away from the bars of the city centre with the vision of a 16-metre tall tit?

Jamie Stokes