The Danger to English Testicles

One of my many jobs is as Editor-in-Chief of the Krakow Post – the only English-language newspaper in the city. Knowing that hordes of England fans were due to arrive at the beginning of the month, I published a light-hearted guide to Polish laws and customs that my countrymen might not be aware of. I also, unwittingly, sparked a nation-wide fear for the safety of English testicles.

In my article I mentioned Polish laws against public drinking and jaywalking, neither of which we have in the UK, and the fact that you have to validate your bus or tram ticket, also not something we have to do in the UK.

I also wanted to discourage potential troublemakers from tangling with Polish riot police, so I listed the fearsome array of weaponry that they carry, and the fact that they have big, fierce dogs. I should really have stopped at this point but, in a fit of creativity, I added that these dogs are specially trained to bite wrongdoers in the trouser area.

It was very clear from the tone of my article that I was exaggerating for comic effect. Unfortunately several British newspapers do not understand 'comic effect' and terrified the nation with headlines like: "Police dogs will target fans' tackle in Krakow."

I am guilty. I have caused my countrymen's valuables to leap protectively into their bodies as effectively as if I had put a Nigerian curse on them. Unfortunately, this is probably only the beginning.

There are swarms of journalists in Krakow now, and all of them want to buy me a beer in the hope that I will say something else silly. I may also have mentioned that Polish police have sonic weapons that can cause people to wet themselves. Ten minutes ago I had a phone call from a German journalist asking if I can confirm that the riot squad will be making fans pee their pants.