The Euro 2012 Circus
It happened again. Another Polish journalist got in touch to ask me how England fans will behave in Poland during Euro 2012. How the hell would I know? What is this automatic association between English people and football? I have a lot of opinions about a lot of subjects, but the only one I'm asked about is the one I have no opinions on whatsoever. The idea that all Englishmen are football fans is as absurd as the idea that all Poles are heterosexual Catholics.
I try my best to put them off:
Journalist: How well do you think the England team will do in Euro 2012?
Me: Wait. Football is the one with the egg-shaped ball, right?
Journalist: No, it's round. Do you think they will qualify for the knockout phase?
Me: I heard they can all swim pretty well, so it shouldn't be a problem.
Journalist: Are you thinking of water polo?
Me: Isn't that the one where you have to hit a small ball into a hole with a stick?
Journalist: No, that's golf.
Me: I heard the Spanish are pretty good at golf, so they'll probably kick our asses.
(Next day: "Spain is going to kick our asses!" said England supporter Jamie Stokes.)
I've been trying to pretend I know nothing about Euro 2012 for six months but, like an approaching typhoon, it's getting harder to ignore. I can hear the chanting just over the horizon and everyone around me is making room in their wallets for the money they expect to make.
Whatever you feel about football, Euro 2012 is going to be good for business and good for Poland, goes the argument. Are we sure? What exactly are the benefits of hosting a major sporting event?
New infrastructure
It's hard to argue with this one. Poland will definitely have some extra miles of motorway, a few more shiny trains and a load of new stadiums that it wouldn't have had otherwise. The fact that about half the money to build these improvements has come from Western Europe is an extra bonus.
Money
The tens of thousands of fans who travel to Poland will, undoubtedly, spend money here. But what will they spend their money on? Like most groups of men abroad, they will divide their time equally between being unconscious and sitting in bars and strip clubs. During a typical Super Bowl in the United States, host cities see beer consumption rise by 50 percent and the average number of lap dances per hour leap by 75 percent. This certainly brings in money but, unfortunately for Poland, most of your beers are owned by Scandinavians and most of your strippers are Ukrainian.
Prestige
The theory is that the eyes of the world will be on Poland this June. The world will see what a marvellous place Poland is and immediately decide to take a holiday here, or at least buy some Żubrówka. The problem is that it is the eyes of the world’s journalists that will be on Poland before anybody else’s. Journalists are not interested in trains that run on time or stadiums that glitter in the evening sunlight. They’ll be looking for the cracks and the flaws, and when they find them I fear for Poland’s fragile sense of confidence.
Jamie Stokes
