Seven things to remember when you have a Polish wife

Przeczytaj felieton w języku polskim!
Zajrzyj do wcześniejszych .

There are about 74 occasions during the year when you are expected to give a Polish woman flowers. At some point in history Polish women decided this wasn't enough and invented another one: Women's Day. The problem with Women's Day is that us foreigners have never heard of it. We're sailing along feeling quite proud of remembering the flowers for birthdays, name days, Valentines, and so on when, bang, another one pops up in the middle of March. The only warning you get is when suddenly every man on the street is carrying an upside-down rose.

Polish girls are brought up to believe in the traditional values of chivalry and deference to the 'weaker sex.' For Polish men this means they get to open a lot of doors, pay for a lot of meals and carry a lot of baggage. This can be a bit of a shock for the Westerner; we've been brought up in a time when assuming you are paying for the meal can result in a sharp kick to the groin under the table. I once accused my wife of being a bit of a princess when she claimed not to know how to use a screwdriver, "Only 'a bit!'" she stormed.

Polish women are generally slim and claim to eat almost nothing, especially after 6 o'clock. If you have a Polish wife, always order more food for yourself than you could possibly eat: the moment your long-anticipated chips arrive she will suddenly develop the appetite of a blue whale and hoover down anything that isn't physically attached to your side of the table. She will then toy with her anxiously selected small salad as you weep hungrily over your empty plate.

Polish mothers of the post-war generation are convinced that all foreign men are feckless heathens sent by the devil to steal their daughters and carry them off to Dublin, De Moines or other uncivilised foreign parts. In other words, they are remarkably well informed. On the other hand, Polish mother in laws are the only people who know how to make gołębki and refuse to send this information abroad in case it falls into enemy hands.

English men are not good at dancing. We grew up in an age when 'dancing' meant shuffling about in a darkened room occasionally bobbing your head and doing John Travolta-style pointing. Polish women know how to do proper dancing, with feet and everything. You will be required to learn this, or to spend a lot of time on your own at weddings while your better half sobs in the bathroom.

In England the only people men are permitted to kiss, other than their wives or girlfriends, are their grandmothers, mothers and aunts. If you wife is Polish, she will have lots of female Polish friends, and about 90 percent of these will be extremely attractive: not only can you kiss these women, you are actively encouraged to do so, up to three times each time you meet them. The only downside to this golden equation is that I never know where to put my hands.

Not only does she speak your language, she probably speaks one or two others as well. You will also find that she knows the history of your country as well as the history of her own country. As far as English people are concerned this looks like witchcraft, but it's perfectly normal. It's called an education system. We used to have one too, but I think we swapped it for season 14 of Dynasty back in the 80s.

Jamie Stokes