An Englishman’s ideas for Polish TV ideas that cannot fail

Przeczytaj felieton Jamiego w języku polskim!

Watching Polish TV is supposed to be good for learning Polish, but I always fall asleep after five minutes. There are so many Polish shows that are carbon copies of Western shows that I just can't be bothered. This is a pity; there are dozens of uniquely Polish things that could become the subjects of home-grown reality shows. Here are a few ideas based on my cursory observations of Polish culture.

Poles like nothing more than a good argument, and best of all is an argument about correct Polish grammar.

Two contestants are seated opposite each other at a table. There is a loaded revolver between them. The host begins a debate on an aspect of Polish grammar, then retreats behind a bullet-proof screen. Viewers are invited to place bets on how long it will be before one contestant blows the other one's brains out.

Tension, violence and a satisfying resolution are the key ingredients of all popular drama. Poles will have the additional satisfaction of listening to a really good argument about transitive verbs while shouting insults at their televisions.

Episodes might be rather short—I suggest it could be used as a filler between the news and the first forty minutes of adverts before the evening film starts. Also, domestic violence and killing sprees will probably sweep the nation at around 7:30 every evening.

I've noticed that Polish people can be a little sensitive about foreigners commenting on Poland—it's safer to juggle with 70-year-old landmines. Why not turn this into entertainment?

A panel of experts are shown neutral statements about Poland taken from the international media and are invited to take offence.

Presenter: Tonight’s first statement is: “Poland is the ninth largest country in Europe.”

Contestant 1: I resent the suggestion that there are eight ‘larger’ nations in Europe. What you seem to forget is the betrayal at Yalta!

(Hearty audience applause)

Presenter: Tonight's second statement is: "The average Pole wears a size 42 shoe."

Contestant 2: But do these so-called journalists remember that Sienkiewicz, who won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1905, wore a size 43!?

(Audience goes wild; judges award a 9.5)

Poland's erroneous belief that the whole world looks down on them and thinks they are uncivilised is confirmed on national TV.

Poland's erroneous belief that the whole world looks down on them and thinks they are uncivilised is confirmed on national TV.

Poles are justifiably proud of their ability to circumvent ludicrous laws and make do with whatever is to hand. It is a talent that has been developed over centuries of hard times and should be given more airtime. The hilarious results of rewiring auntie Halina's flat over the Easter weekend and her subsequent spectacular death in a shower incident should be shared with the nation.

An average man on the street is given the task of carrying out a vitally important project, for which he is completely unqualified, using the wrong tools and wholly inappropriate materials: Marek, a florist from Stalowa Wola, is challenged to construct a gas-cooled nuclear reactor using only what he can find in the cupboard under his sink; Gertruda from Gorlice is asked to undertake a restructuring of national fiscal policy using only a box of matches and an economics textbook in Urdu.

Cheap to produce using easily obtained props and may result in a free gas-cooled nuclear reactor.

Nobody watches because it's too much like real life.

Polish women rule the home, especially if there are children in it. The husbands of Polish women walk a minefield whenever they are left in charge of children: let's test them, live on TV!

Four fathers and their offspring are placed in locked rooms with a vast range of children's clothing and access to the TV weather forecast. Fathers have five minutes to dress their children in suitable clothing before presenting them to a jury made up of mothers, aunts and grandmothers. Contestants lose a point for every time they are called and idiot and five points every time they are smacked around the head with a handbag. The winner receives free emergency medical care and lifetime immunity from clothes shopping.

The women of Poland will be so entranced by the show that the men of Poland can spend half an hour doing whatever they like.

Another generation of Poles will spend half their childhood dressed for the Ross Ice Shelf.

Jamie Stokes