Put a Shirt On!

Even when you find yourself in these rare situations, it's important to consider the psychological impact that removing your clothing may have on innocent bystanders. It has to be very hot day on a beach, or a very well-paid action movie role, before I'll agree to inflict my naked torso on the public. Nobody wants to see what 20 years of sitting at a desk writing nonsense while drinking beer does to a man's stomach.

These do not seem to be considerations that Poles are aware of. Immediately the first of June arrives, Poland's men regard themselves as having a license to removes their shirts at any time and in any situation, without warning.

Some people can get away with this. These are the kind of people who do hard physical work outdoors in the sun. This gives them the necessary colour and physique to look fairly natural in an undressed state. Most of us are not like this. Most of us sit in front of computers in offices wondering if we can justify having that third chocolate bar of the afternoon. This does not produce the kind of body that looks good in natural sunlight, this produces the kind of body that looks like a hairy, white sock stuffed with wet rice.

I've noted before that Poles do not care what they wear on their balconies – socks, underpants and a vest are fine for the man who would only otherwise be seen in the smartest suit. But in the summer, balcony standards spread everywhere. I refuse to get in a taxi being driven by a man without a shirt. The other day I saw a member of the public being interview on TV without a shirt on – he was standing in the corridor outside his flat. How difficult would it have been to say: "Sure, I can talk to you about the horrible murder that happened downstairs, but just let me put a shirt on first." I'm terrified I'm going to turn on the evening news one day to see Piotr Kraśko wearing only a tie.

Fortunately, I am not alone in my views. In Krakow, where the streets have been full of football fans from all over Europe not wearing the team shirts they spent so much money on, a major debate on the subject of exposed male nipples and sweaty underarm hair has broken out. A poll in a local newspaper brought thousand of online responses within hours. More than 40 percent of respondents were completely against shirt removal in public places. "A man without a shirt in a public place shows a simple lack of culture" ran a typical comment. "Your appearance betrays you and your culture," wrote another commenter, using the nickname 'Disgusted.' Inevitably, some respondents turned to the subject of women without shirts – specifically how annoying it is that the only way to see one is with a pair of binoculars trained on your neighbour's window. The absence of topless female sunbathing seems to be a southern phenomenon. There are nude beaches in the north, admittedly full of Germans, and Warsaw's parks are full of
young ladies baking their breasts, but I have never seen a topless female in public south of Łódź.

A police spokesman helpfully told the newspaper that there is no law preventing men from taking their shirts off, but that topless women could be charged with indecent behaviour and fined 100zl. There was no information as whether or not he was wearing a shirt when he said this. Before you comment on this issue of national importance, you should be aware that I'm writing this wearing only sandals, socks and an England team scarf.