Krzysiek Columbus?
Does Poland really want Columbus? From what I remember of high school history the man was hilariously incompetent. He hugely underestimated the circumference of the Earth, got incredibly lucky by stumbling across a new continent instead of starving to death, and then completely failed to recognise that he had stumbled across a new continent and persisted in calling it Asia until the day he died. Had he lived longer and discovered Australia, he presumably would have insisted it was Denmark. He doesn't appear to have been a very bright man—brave and driven, but not very bright. I always thought Poles were more sensible, and better at geography, than that.
On the other hand, there is one feature of Columbus' life, or rather his death, that makes him an ideal candidate for the ranks of Polish heroes. He was exhumed multiple times. I believe there is something in the Polish constitution that requires famous dead Poles to be dug up and reburied every few decades. I assume this is something to do with the famous Polish work ethic: people lying around dead just look lazy. During my comprehensive and deep study of Polish history, from reading the back of matchbooks in hotels, I've discovered that virtually all famous Poles have been exhumed at least once. There are several very good reasons for this.
For centuries, religious leaders in Poland were routinely exhumed a few years after their deaths to check if they had decayed or not. Being incorrupt has been regarded as a sign of sainthood in the Catholic and Orthodox faiths for a long time. I'm not an expert on theology so I have no idea why looking like you're not dead when you are is a good thing. I would imagine that the incorrupt would have preferred to actually be not dead, instead of just looking like they weren't dead, but what do I know? Probably the most tragic exhumation for religious reasons was the investigation of the great 16th-century Jesuit preacher Piotr Skarga. According to legend, he was found to be incorrupt, but there was also evidence that he had been buried alive and was, therefore, ineligible for sainthood. No wonder he looks so annoyed in portraits.
The second most popular cause of exhumation is dying in the wrong place. For a large part of Poland's recent history it was a good idea not to live in Poland if you were a creative Pole. The alternative was a good chance of ending up in a Russian, Prussian or Austrian prison, which drastically reduces the opportunities for wearing flamboyant hats. Of the three giants of Polish literature, two died abroad and were later exhumed and repatriated. Poles like to have their famous dead on Polish soil so they can point them out to tourists. Mickiewicz had the dubious honour of being exhumed and reburied twice. He died in Istanbul and was interred in a crypt that he had in his basement, for some reason. Then he was exhumed and moved to Paris and in 1900 he was exhumed for the second time in 50 years and moved to Wawel. It was a kind of post-mortem European tour. Other famous grave tourists include Henryk Sienkiewicz, Józef Bem and, possibly, Witkacy—nobody seems to be sure.
The third, and increasingly popular, motive for exhumation is political. Poles are now digging up other Poles on a regular basis to settle historical arguments. The most famous recent example is Władysław Sikorski, who was exhumed in 2008 to check if he had been assassinated. The disappointing result was that he had apparently died from crashing into the Mediterranean in a plane, which is what everyone had said had happened 65 years earlier. This was Sikorski’s second out-of-grave experience, the first being when he was moved from England to Poland in 1993. Who knows if it will be his last?
Columbus fits this pattern perfectly, he has already been exhumed and reburied four times, which more-or-less proves he was Polish. His DNA was extracted and studied in 2003 to settle an argument between two places claiming to have his remains, so there is something to test against his proposed father King Władysław III. The only problem is that nobody knows where Władysław III’s body is. The good news is that this is a reason to dig up dozens of Polish royal uncles, brothers, aunts and cousins in order to look at their DNA, which should make a lot of Poles happy.
Jamie Stokes