A phone call from Madonna's agent
If this conversation hasn't happened already, it surely will soon…
Liz: Hi, this is Liz Rosenberg, Madonna's press agent.
Poland: Hi there Liz. How can we help?
Liz: Yeah. As you know, we'd like to arrange a date for Madonna to hold a concert in Warsaw.
Poland: Go on.
Liz: The thing is, every time we propose a date, we seem to upset a lot of people.
Poland: Ah yes, August 1st wasn't a good choice. It's a well-known Catholic festival.
Liz: I thought it was the anniversary of the Warsaw Uprising.
Poland: Whatever.
Liz: Okay. And two years ago, August 15th was a bad choice because…?
Poland: That's the date of the Assumption of the Virgin Mary, a famous event in Polish military history.
Liz: August 15th? That's very specific. Did August even exist in first century Palestine?
Poland: Pope Pius XII picked it from a list of unused days for Catholic holidays in 1950, so it must be true.
Liz: I see. How's March 25th?
Poland: The Annunciation?
Liz: Or May 31st?
Poland: You mean the festival of the Visitation of the Blessed Virgin Mary?
Liz: August 22nd?
Poland: Perhaps you've heard of the Black Madonna of Częstochowa?
Liz: November 21st?
Poland: The celebration of the Presentation of the Blessed Virgin Mary? Not a good choice.
Liz: December 8th?
Poland: You're not trying. Everyone knows that's the celebration of the Immaculate Conception.
Liz: Exactly how many feasts, celebrations and memorial days are associated with the Virgin Mary?
Poland: Only 32. Plus the whole of October.
Liz: Any other months we should avoid?
Poland: Easter, obviously, Christmas, and any time during Lent.
Liz: That doesn't leave many days.
Poland: Nonsense. I can think of several – July 15th for example.
Liz: So, July 15th would be a good choice?
Poland: No, that's the date we commemorate victory at the Battle of Grunwald.
Liz: Any others?
Poland: September 1st?
Liz: Is it even worth asking if that's a good idea.
Poland: No.
Liz: I'm beginning to get the feeling you don't want Madonna to come at all. Is it the name? We could change that. How about if she performed under her second name, Louise?
Poland: You mean like Saint Louise? The one born on August 15th?
Liz: …
Poland: Hello…?