Seven Polish Syndromes

A condition that is believed to have reached epidemic levels in Poland, particularly among the female population over the age of 30. The most prominent symptoms include repeatedly offering food and beverages to people who have already made it very clear that they do not want, need or have the ability to consume any more food or beverages. The cycle of repeated offer and refusal typically continues until the target breaks down and agrees to eat 'a bit of cake and a sandwich,' even if it is 3 o'clock in the morning and the house is currently on fire.

Zakopane Syndrome is like Jerusalem Syndrome in that it affects otherwise sane people only at a specific geographical location. Unlike Jerusalem Syndrome it involves less feelings of religious ecstasy and more compulsions to buy cheap hats with feathers in and say 'Hey!' a lot. Entire coach loads of otherwise normal Poles have been observed to fall victim to Zakopane Syndrome within minutes of passing a sign to Nowy Targ. Other symptoms include the belief that bright pink ski suits look good, that skiing is probably quite easy and that climbing mountains in December wearing a tracksuit and a pair of trainers is a good idea.

Obsessive Compulsive Cross Relocation Syndrome, or OCCRS, is unusual in that it has two variants, Type I OCCRS and Type II OCCRS, which each affect about half of the population. Type I OCCRS is, simply put, the irrational conviction that wherever a cross or other religious symbol is now, is where it should stay for the rest of time. Type II OCCRS is the similarly irrational conviction that wherever a cross or other religious symbol is now, it should be moved somewhere else. If only one of these variants was dominant in Poland, all would be peaceful – crosses and crucifixes would either be randomly relocated on a daily basis or not at all. The unfortunate fact that both variants have a firm grip on large sections of the population has created a dynamic that the international community of mental health professionals is making a fortune publishing books about.

This syndrome particularly affects the small proportion of the population who come into contact with large amounts of public money. For reasons that medical professionals are still trying to understand, these conditions often bring about an uncontrollable desire to move all or part of these funds into a Swiss bank account under the sufferer's name. Other symptoms include driving around in a $120,000 Mercedes and appearing on television with a pixelated face.

Rubber Stamp Fixation can be characterised as the pathological refusal to believe that an event happened unless there is a document with a rubber stamp on it saying that it happened. A common accompanying symptom is the refusal to believe that something didn't happen because there is a document with a rubber stamp on it saying that it did. Life and death are not excluded from the scope of this pernicious delusion as evidenced by conversations across the land that include sentences such as: "I'm sorry, I cannot register the fact that you exist unless I see a stamped translation of your birth certificate," or: "According to this document you are dead. Come back when you have a stamp that proves otherwise."

Research has found that writing a phone number on the side of your car and parking near a train station can seriously affect very specific areas of the brain. The vision centres, for example, lose the ability to see pedestrian crossings, road signs, traffic lights and other cars. Other effects include a sudden and comprehensive amnesia with regard to road laws, an uncontrollable urge to drone on and on about the terrible state of the country and an unshakeable conviction that everyone else on the road is an idiot, even if they are invisible.

AGS is the only known infectious psychological condition. Rates of AGS are thought to approach 90 percent in Poland and the symptoms have been recorded in 95 percent of conversations occurring within the country's borders. Studies suggest that foreigners visiting Poland are likely to be 'infected' within 30 to 40 minutes of arriving. In extreme cases, these extra-national cases may begin exhibiting symptoms via online articles.

Jamie Stokes