How to kill a soap star
Apparently the nation is in mourning for Hanka Mostowiak. I had no idea who she was, so I tracked down the event on YouTube. Is this the best Polish soap opera can do? That was the least dramatic television death I've seen since the Smurfs. It looked like she died from sheer boredom. Because I'm always keen to help, I offer the following lessons from Britain's best soap operas concerning on-screen death.
EastEnders is the most popular soap opera on British TV. In the 25 years it has been on television, 70 characters have died, and 16 of those were murdered. In fact, the very first episode had a murder in it. Unsurprisingly, EastEnders characters almost never smile and, if they do, are hacked to death with an axe in the next episode. Watching it is widely regarded as the most depressing experience you can have in front of a television. Fire and car accidents are the most popular causes of death in EastEnders or, whenever possible, car accidents followed by a fire and a bit of stabbing.
Coronation Street is the longest-running soap opera currently in production anywhere in the world and is the UK's second favourite. Perhaps because it is only the second favourite, the producers decided to add a bit of excitement to the 50th anniversary episode, by blowing everything up. The sixty-minute-long story opens with a gas leak that blows up a bar. The blast also destroys a bridge, which causes a tram to come crashing down on the resident's houses. Five minutes in and the set looks like an out-take from Die Hard. Three characters died in the accident, and the writers added a murder, with a hammer, into the mix just to make sure.
Emmerdale is a little different from EastEnders and Coronation Street because it is set in the countryside. It's also a little different because things explode, catch fire or are destroyed by rampaging dinosaurs much more often. It's as if the creators decided to make a nice, peaceful soap about country life, and then suddenly realised they had created the most boring programme in history and hired a Rambo scriptwriter to fix it. The most infamous Emmerdale episode features an airliner plummeting into the village. Four characters died in the ensuing inferno that destroys most of their houses. Eighteen million Brits watched the episode and many of them are still watching in case it happens again.
Brookside is the fourth giant in the ranks of British soaps, although it is no longer on air. Brookside launched in 1982 with the intention of being the most realistic soap opera ever. This was quickly abandoned after the producers realised that a truly realistic soap opera was about as interesting as looking out of your window for an hour on a wet Thursday afternoon. By 1985 a typical storyline featured a deranged local taking three nurses hostage and a shootout with the police. Brookside's most popular storyline ever featured an abused wife murdering her husband and burying his body under their patio – where it remained for two years until being dug up by another character fixing a drain.
Jamie Stokes