Gender Issues
The main problem with languages is that there are too many of them, in other words: more than one. I'm told this is something to do with a tower built by some guy called Babel, though I'm suspicious of the seemingly contradictory fact that he has the same name in every language.
One of the most important consequences of there being more than one language is that it is impossible for me to walk into a bar anywhere in the world and order a vodka martini, shaken not stirred. Before I can perform even this basic survival task I need to go through the whole painful business of learning a new language. Given that there are something like 6,000 languages to get through, this could take some time – about four and a half million years, if my progress in Polish is a good indication.
I've been studying Polish for so long now that it's beginning to feel like a protracted course of medical treatment with little hope of success. Every evening when my teacher leaves, she takes my wife to one side and gravely advises her to speak to me in Polish for at least half and hour a day, while I sit meekly in the background with wide eyes and a brave smile. Its a prescription that I can see neither of them have much hope for.
It would probably be better if people didn't keep telling me that "Polish is a very logical language." Either the word 'logical' has a completely different meaning in Polish, or the widely held suspicion that I am, in fact, an idiot has some truth to it.
The whole idea of inflection is so alien to an English speaker that, at first, it looks like word endings change depending on anything from the day of the week to the colour of trousers you happen to be wearing at the time. I found myself thinking "Hmm, so it's 'stary pies' on Tuesdays, but 'starego psa' on Thursdays when I'm wearing shorts and have recently had an ice-cream."
I have, for example, never had a conversation about noun gender that hasn't left me more confused than I was to start with:
Teacher: Nouns in Polish can be masculine, feminine or neuter.
Me: I see. You mean like 'man,' 'woman' and 'Michał Szpak'?
Teacher: Not really, because 'man' is feminine and so is 'woman.'
Me: This is not going to be as straightforward as I had hoped, is it? I assume 'beer' is masculine.
Teacher: 'Juice' is masculine, but 'beer' is neuter.
Me: I can see how that could happen if you had too much.
Teacher: Don't worry. Polish is very logical.
Me: So this is the kind of logic that means you add masculine juice to neutral beer to make a drink for women?
Teacher (aside to wife): I don't think there is much hope.
Me: I wish to die with dignity!
It's usually shortly after discussions like this that I learn that people, dogs, tomatoes, toast and pancakes are considered to be living, but oak trees aren't. I think this is why we made English spelling completely random, just to get our own back.
Jamie Stokes
