Carp vs. Turkey

This year, for the first time, I managed to fit in both a traditional Wigilia meal (on the 24th, of course) and a traditional British Christmas dinner the next day.

My wife is great and everything but, to be completely honest, the real reason I married a Pole was so that I could legitimately attend two Christmas feasts each year on consecutive days. There are many difficulties to be overcome in a cross-cultural marriage, but having a different traditional day for stuffing your face with good things isn't one of them.

Of course I've experienced Wigilia many times before, but this year provided me with a unique opportunity to compare both Polish and British feasts under closely controlled, scientific conditions. It was an epic battle.

At first glance, any duel between turkey and carp looks like a foregone conclusion. The carp, an aquatic creature, has very limited mobility on land, whereas the turkey can probably wade about in a few centimetres of water without significantly impeding its ability to deliver devastating pecking attacks.

Of course, the turkey always has the advantage of higher ground. Even a hydrophobic turkey restricted to perching on the rim of the bathtub will have a tactical advantage over his foe swimming about below. The carp also faces the disadvantage of having no limbs with which to apply force, being restricted to splashing and, possibly, squirting water up the beak of the fowl.

Clearly, the only fair way to adjudicate between the relative merits of the two critters is to throw them in an oven for a few hours and eat the results.

Again, it's the turkey that emerges as the clear winner on first impressions. A properly roasted turkey is golden brown, smells divine and generally looks like a pin-up model for the concept of a feast. Carp manages to be small and brown while also being intimidating. Why 'intimidating'? Because you know every moment you are eating it will be a gamble with death from bone inhalation.

Surprisingly, Google doesn't know the answer to the question: "How many bones in a turkey skeleton?" but I'm going to go ahead and estimate about 100. I'm also going to estimate the number of bones in a carp skeleton at 'exactly one more than you thought there was.' I know they're not technically 'bones,' but you try telling that to my oesophagus.

Before anybody gets the wrong impression, I want to make it clear that I like carp. I like all kinds of fish, and this one is no exception. It isn't my favourite fish though and, controversially, I'm going to suggest that it isn't anyone's favourite. You never see people making carp salad in June, for example.

I also like turkey but, again, it’s not the best bird you can roast. A roast chicken is almost always tastier than a roast turkey, the latter only having the advantage of size and tradition. Again, it’s rare to find people eating roast turkey at any time other than when the calendar tells them they should.

So we have two dishes, neither of which represents the peak eating experience on offer from their respective phyla. The deciding factor, for me, comes down to the traditional accompanying beverages. In Poland, it’s a kompot made with fruits; in England it’s wine made from other fruits. I think you can guess which one I prefer.