30-03-2012 07:24

April Fools Nobody

I love the concept of April Fools' Day, but I hate April Fools's stories. The idea that there is a day when we expect newspapers and other media to lie to us is awesome. The problem is that nobody is ever fooled.

April Fools' stories have to be big lies. It's no good publishing a story in which you say Jan Matejko was born on June 25 instead of June 24 and then chuckling behind your hands when readers fail to spot it. The untruth must be grand and surprising. Unfortunately, the first thing everybody is looking for in the media on April 1 is something grand and surprising. The tacit understanding between editors and readers is that the editor will include a transparently untrue story in his publication on April 1st and the readers will pretend that this is hilarious in a clever way, even though its actually about as funny as a political cartoon from 1837.

The really interesting thing about April Fools' stories is that they reveal a society's fears. They are like science fiction, taking cultural obsessions and spinning them out to extreme conclusions. George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four wasn't about society in 1984, it was about society in 1948. April Fools' stories aren't about being funny, they're about playing on people's fears.

So what would be the perfect story for this Sunday? From my position as an impartial observer, I predict the following themes:

Frustration

Bureaucracy is frustrating everywhere, but in Poland it's like a ribbon teasing a kitten – no matter how fast, determined and agile you are, you'll never win. Poles are primed to explode whenever they hear about a new example of official stupidity.

Foreigners

Nobody likes the idea that foreigners have a say in their society. Polish history makes this a particularly hot issue here. The country's sometimes uncomfortable relationship with the EU is a classic source of annoyance, but the Euro 2012 football tournament will surely be a topical favourite.

Inferiority complex

Poles are intensely sensitive to the perception of Poland abroad. They are rightly proud of their cultural history but, for reasons I have never understood, are convinced that the rest of the world thinks they are backward idiots. Witness the recent outrage over the Coca Cola advert featuring a Polish builder pining for home. If this story hadn't broken a week early, I would immediately have dismissed it as April foolery.