The 15 Strangest Questions Ever Asked About Poland.

The Internet is full of strange people. If the Internet was a real place, it would have electric fences around it and armed guards to prevent anyone from getting out. One of the things that the strange people on the Internet do is ask each other questions in forums. Because I had nothing better to do, I searched for the weirdest questions I could find about Poland (these are all genuine) and answered them.

1. How do you say ‘angel’ in Polish?

This question appears more often than any other question relating to Poland. There are two possible explanations for this phenomenon. Either there are a lot of men out there who think that calling a Polish girl ‘angel’ will get them what they want, or a lot of foreigners are seeing angels here but are unable to report it through a lack of vocabulary.

2. In which Polish country did Solidarity start?

All of them.

3. What is Poland’s national tree?

Poland’s national tree is a small birch just outside Janowice in Pomerania. As the national tree, it will be allowed to retire at the age of 175 and will then receive a small pension from the government.

4. What is the shape of Poland?

Poland is roughly the shape of placki ziemniaczane and kotlet schabowy. This is not a coincidence and is also why Spain is the shape of an omelette and Turkey looks like a kebab.

5. What is Poland?

Poland is a fantasy in the minds of Polish people. Like all delusions it is capable of having many contradictory characteristics at the same time. If you ask two Poles what Poland is, you will receive three different opinions. The Republic of Poland is a sitcom involving a large cast of poorly-paid actors playing politicians, border guards, post office employees and chimney sweeps and was created so that Poles would have something to blame for all of their problems.

6. How do you get to Poland?

Leave your house and start walking. Every hour, stop and ask: “Do you know if we are in Poland?” The first time somebody replies: “Are you trying to sell me a map?” you will know you have arrived.

7. Where are the boundaries of Poland?

Around the edges.

8. Is Poland at peace?

Poland is not currently at war with any other countries. To make up for this, Poland is at war with itself. The right hates the left, the left hates the right, the liberals hate the church, the church hates the liberals and everyone hates Kuba Wojewódzki.

9. How do you say: “Do not touch” in Polish?

I’m assuming this question was posed by a lady receiving unwanted attention from a Polish gentleman. The correct form is to say “Nie wolno” and smack him firmly on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

10. Can you marry your cousin in Poland?

Only if you have a cousin in Poland.

11. Who discovered Poland?

Poland was discovered by Christopher Columbus in 1491. The following year he decided to sail as far as possible in the opposite direction, coincidentally creating the conditions necessary for the establishment of Chicago.

12. Is Poland in the water?

No, but there is water in Poland. This water is perfectly safe to drink if you take it directly from the ground and place it in a plastic bottle. If, however, this water is passed through filtration and purification processes and emerges from a tap, it will kill you.

13. Was there any sex in Poland during the Communist regime?

No. The walls were too thin and it was difficult to get the necessary documents. Between 1946 and 1989 all Polish children were delivered by storks.

14. Is there anyone in Poland with bigger ears than Jerzy Urban?

No.

15. What is the most important thing I need to do, once I'm in Poland?

Locate the exit closest to you, even if you are a frequent visitor. Also be aware that there is a life jacket under the seat in front of you.

Jamie Stokes